My biggest parenting conundrum: why it is so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don't have to save for college

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.

To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

Me: [in bathroom]

7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?

Me: Yeah pal

7: IT'S ME

Me: I know

7: YOUR SON

Me: Knew that too

Me: We've taken 1,000 pics. We're never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.

Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm

Me: goodnight kids

Kids: goodnight dad

Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad

Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT

Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

If your child gives you the silent treatment, that's called a parenting win.

Her: All our children's snacks are organic.

Me: Cool. My kid eats candy off the floor.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Becoming a parent means spending the rest of your life looking like you are in desperate need of a shower, a nap, and a heavy drink.

Me: I made pork.
3yo: I don't like pork.
Me: It's chicken.
3yo: Oh, yeah, I like that kind of chicken.#Parenting #PickyEater #Win

I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

7 y/o daughter: "If I'm watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn't they be couchtoons cause I'm not in a car?"

No paternity test needed

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Before kids: "Oh I don't drink coffee"

1 kid: "I'll have one cup, lots of cream & sugar"

2 kids: "THE WHOLE POT BLACK YES I KNOW IT'S HOT"

When someone asks what it's like to be a mom I show them the magazine I've been carrying for 6mths,because dammit I'm gonna read it one day.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Preschool Registration form: What's one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Ah. This sheet music must be for the parenting theme song. pic.twitter.com/Xf3jNmiBFN

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands

Parenting is basically surprising yourself each day due to how much stuff you can get done while in a perpetual state of exhaustion.

If you're not prepared to spend 1/3 of your day "watching this," then you aren't ready to be a parent.

I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.

There are few things more terrifying than finding your toddler in the living room with an uncapped red Sharpie in her hand.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn't find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn't even wear glasses.

2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.

Me: You mean rugged and manly.

2: Purrrr.

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.

There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.

I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."